


urgh, typical!

by Emilys_Descent



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, As Is Gabriel, First Meetings, Flirting, Friends-ish AU, Happy Ending, Humor, Love at First Sight, M/M, Meet-Cute, Sam Winchester is So Done, Soft Dean Winchester, Softer Castiel, Strangers to... Dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 01:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20163319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilys_Descent/pseuds/Emilys_Descent
Summary: Cas smiled a little, and said, “Dean,” and Dean, right before Sam’s disbelieving eyes, faltered.“Ugh,” muttered Anna sourly. “Typical.”Anna stomped away, but Sam had a difficult time grasping what was so typical about the whole scene. It was not typical at all. He had just seen his super hetero brother, fall in love at first sight. With a man. It was as far from typical as it was possible to be.(a modern au feat. sam and dean sharing an apartment, a'la chandler and joey, and gabriel is their monica)





	urgh, typical!

**Author's Note:**

> standar british spelling and grammar

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the biggest prude this side of the Pond.”

Sam, bent at the waist as he retrieved the newspaper from the mat outside his apartment door, sighed to himself. He knew that voice. He recognised the mocking drawl, which occasionally haunted his nightmares. 14 A, Gabriel Novak, his neighbour.

Not to mention, his _boss_.

Indeed, Sam was one of the those unfortunate people who had to share an apartment hallway with their boss.

“And if it isn’t the biggest slut... this side of the... world,” he retorted as he straightened up, feeling dimly as though he’d fallen short of the required degree of burn.

“Oooh, kitty’s got claws, _mon dieu_,” said Gabriel in a breathy whisper, fanning himself with his hand. “No. No! No; do over. Do over. Uh, okay. _Oooh_, moose’s got _antlers_, mon _dieu_!” He grinned mischievously at him. “Eh? Eh?”

Sam sighed. “Mr. Novak. How are you this fine morning?”

“Ah, moosie-boosie, don’t be a spoilsport! Haven’t I told you, like, literally a bazillion times that I’m _Mr Novak_ only at work. Off work, you are to call me _master_. Capisce?”

Sam levelled a bland stare at him.

“Oh, come on!” said Gabriel plaintively. “I’m just trying to make our lives easier! This is probably the only bit of action either of us is going to get for the foreseeable future – ”

“You don’t know that – ”

“ – ’cuz, you know, I’m super swamped with my cases, which means _you’re_ super swamped with my cases, which means no one’s gonna be playing with either of our downstairs neighbour for quite a while. And by _quite a while_ I mean _quite_ a _while_. So you better get on board, mister.”

“On board with what? Getting harassed by you every morning as I get my paper?”

“I thought that’s what you were going for, I mean, what with the threadbare robe and those teeny-tiny boxers – like, what are you, part giant? Goliath’s descendant?”

“Ha, ha.”

“And while we’re on the subject of douchebags – where’s that manwhore you like to call 'brother'?”

No sooner had the words left Gabriel’s mouth than the door of Sam’s apartment swung abruptly open, startling Sam into a catlike jump, and a dishevelled blonde woman shoved her way past him into the hallway, a picture of indignant Madonna.

“ – Bastard! Rat _bastard_!” she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Noticing Sam, she directed her scream at him, “You brother is a bastard! _Bastard_! Urgh!”

“Oh, I – I – I agree with you a hundred percent,” said he. “He’s a right bastard all right.”

His agreement did nothing to appease her; and after a few moments of angrily huffing and glaring at him and Gabriel, and with a final disgusted look directed at Sam’s apartment, she left.

“Yo, Sammy, she leave already or what?” Dean’s voice floated out of the apartment. “Is it safe to come out?”

“Yeah, she’s gone,” Sam answered back wearily. “You can come out now, you big coward.”

“Not a coward, Sammy,” Dean, materialising in nothing but loose, _too loose_ pajama bottoms, chirped good-naturedly. “It’s just – you gotta watch out for the stilettos, man. You gotta _always_ watch out for the stilettos.” He noticed Gabriel and flashed him an arrogant smile. “What’s up, Hobbit? Find any rings lately?”

“Urgh,” muttered Sam as Dean did the lamest thing anyone could ever do – laugh at his own joke.

“Ah, douchebag,” said Gabriel, smiling widely at Dean. “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not your name. Silly me. Yo, _dickface_.”

“Can’t hear you all the way from the floor, midget. Speak up.”

Gabriel’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, I’m gonna speak up, Treebeard. How ’bout I climb down your throat and rip out your danglers from the inside one at a time and use them to – ”

“There was quite a lot of noise coming from your apartment last night, Mr. Novak,” Sam interrupted loudly. “Had a party or something? You didn’t invite us.”

“My younger siblings are visiting,” Gabriel said to him, but his eyes were squinting furiously at Dean. “Anna and Cas.”

“Heh-heh. You know what they say – Hobbits multiply like rabbits.”

“Dean, would you _quit_ it!” Sam hissed. “And nobody says that.”

“Chill, man,” said Dean, laughing and patting Sam’s chest with the back of his hand. “It’s just a li’l bit of fun. So, Stuart Little. Are your siblings just as ugly as you are or did it, thankfully, skip the young ‘uns?”

Sam smacked Dean’s arm as hard as he could.

“Don’t damage the guns, gigantor,” groaned Dean, wincing in pain.

“Heh-heh,” tittered Gabriel as Dean rubbed his biceps. “Anyway. As I was saying, my sister Anna and my brother Cas are visiting. Anna’s got an apartment downtown, but Cas just got here from London. He’s new here so he’s gonna be staying with me for a while. You’ll be seeing a lot him – ” he broke off at a shrill noise and looked back into his apartment, “ – and here _she_ comes.”

It was a redheaded girl in her mid-to-late twenties who stomped out the door at the heels of Gabriel’s words, the expression on her face the most pissed off Sam had ever seen.

“I can’t believe him!” Anna, Sam assumed, grunted at Gabriel. “It’s like, the older he gets the more insufferable he becomes! If he’d had his way, he’d have Cas swaddled in a dozen lifejackets and locked up in a padded cell in a tower located far away from any hint of humanity for the rest of his life! What does he thinks is gonna happen if Cas were to stay with me? What is he _implying_, exactly? That I’m _irresponsible_?”

“There, there,” said Gabriel in a bored monotone.

“You’ve got to keep Cas here any way you can, Gabe. By hook or by crook. I don’t know how he managed to escape the madhouse that’s Aunt Naomi’s mansion, but I am not, I repeat, _not_ letting Cas spend another second under Michael’s smothering care if I have anything to say about it! Are you listening to me?”

“Of course I am,” said Gabriel. “But that aside – meet the Winchester brothers. This is tall,” he said, pointing at Sam, “and that,” he gestured at Dean, “is a mistake.”

Sam, who had noticed the very obvious once-over that Dean had accorded Anna and her ample buttocks, as Sam himself had – for she was really hot – knew what was going to happen before it happened.

“Hello, there,” said Dean in his most seductive voice, puffing his chest for a second and then leaning forward. “How you doin’?”

Contrary to what Sam hoped, the Dean Winchester Charm did not fail to work its magic on Anna.

“Gabe says you are a mistake,” she said breathily, batting her eyelashes. “But you’re one mistake I’ll gladly make.”

“What is this – low rent porn?” Gabriel wondered, slightly outraged.

“Well, then,” Dean lowered his voice to a husky whisper, “I’m Dean Winchester. How ‘bout I pick you up at, say, eight o’clock tomorrow night? Or tonight if you want. Shortstack here says you’ve an apartment downtown?”

Sam rolled his eyes so hard it actually hurt him.

“I do,” Anna replied, completely under Dean’s sway, her honey brown eyes staring unblinkingly at Dean’s green ones.

“Awesome,” said Dean, grinning.

It seemed like they were both about to start making out in the middle of the hallway – and in front of their brothers, no less – when another voice, a man’s, drew their attention to Gabriel’s apartment once more.

“ – it’s not that,” the voice could be heard, as it neared closer to the hallway, saying patiently to someone, “no, it’s not... no, it... no, Michael, no. Listen to me. Listen to me! Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Michael. Mi– Thank you! It’s only a month! A month. That’s it. A month, then I’m out of Gabriel’s corrupting influence... I... of course, not... but... you... Michael, a, I’m not a child and b, aren’t parents supposed to let loose the apron strings when their children get older?... no, I’m not mocking you... Gabriel’s not a _druggie_, I mean, what are you... so what... urgh, it was a party, a _party_, and he didn’t even... I know the difference between talcum powder and cocaine, Michael... _how_ do I know that? Because I went to _college_... no, no, no, not, it wasn’t Balthazar, Michael... Michael, don’t you dare ring up Aunt Naomi or _I will never speak to you again_!”

The man was now standing on the threshold, a phone held against his ear.

Cas (for he it was) was a tall man, younger even than Anna, and about an inch or two shorter than Dean, had a head of dark hair, and his eyes, as they surveyed the party in the hall, were the most fascinating shade of cornflower blue, unlike either Gabriel or Anna’s.

“Yes, yes, Michael, I am staying with Gabriel,” Cas resumed speaking to the man, Michael, on the phone. “Well, what do you _want_ me to do? Find another place?... yeah, okay, so you won’t let me stay with Gabriel _and_ you won’t let me find one of my own, what do you... never, no, not even in a million years! Urgh, _you_ speak to him,” he said to Gabriel, vehemently thrusting the phone into Gabriel’s chest.

“ ‘Allo,” sang Gabriel smarmily. “Yeah, big bro, how’s it hanging? Uh-huh... Yup... Of course... of course, Mikey, he’s my baby brother too... all right, fine... okay... Hedonism is out, asceticism is in... yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Cas will remain purer than the driven snow for as long as he is under my roof... well, obviously... I can’t be with him twenty-four-seven, you dingus, I have a job. Speaking of which, I’ve got my notes ready for the Castelli case if you want to discuss it over lunch. Get Lucifer in on it as well, he’s the one that got the bastard,” he moved towards the door and shot a thumbs up at Cas, who let out a small sigh of relief, “what do you mean he’s still abroad? He called me last night from Washington... well, of course... I don’t know why dear Lucy wouldn’t ring you up, Michael, you’re an absolute _joy_ to talk to... no, I’m not mocking you... uh-huh...”

“Anna, you’re leaving?” Cas said softly into the silence as Gabriel's chatter moved further inside his apartment. “Anna?”

“Just a minute, Cassie,” Anna responded, “I’m setting up my date with Dean here.” She ran a fingertip down Dean’s chest. “Should I give you my address or my phone number? Dean? Dean?”

But to Sam, and evidently Anna’s, great surprise Dean wasn’t listening to her. He wasn’t even _looking_ at her. No, he seemed rather busy staring, Sam realised with an even bigger shock, at _Cas_.

As though on autopilot, Dean moved away from a now ruffled Anna and walked up to Cas, stopping just a hairbreadth’s distance from him.

“Hey, I’m Dean,” he said, almost awed.

“Hello, Dean. My name is Castiel. You can call me Cas.”

Positioned as he was, Sam couldn’t exactly see Dean’s expression but he could well imagine the look of dumbstruck awe on his face as he repeated, like a prayer, “_Cas_.”

Cas smiled a little, and said, “Dean,” and Dean, right before Sam’s disbelieving eyes, _faltered_.

“Ugh,” muttered Anna sourly. “_Typical_.”

Anna stomped away, but Sam had a difficult time grasping what was so typical about the whole scene. It was not typical at all. He had just seen his super hetero brother fall in love at first sight. With a man. It was as far from typical as it was possible to be.

“Um,” said Dean, bashfully rubbing the back of his neck. “It might be out of the blue, but you wanna get some breakfast? With me?”

“Sure,” said Cas, just as bashful as Dean. “I’d love to.”

“_No_,” bellowed Gabriel, stumbling back into the hallway, and looking aghast at the spectacle of Dean and his brother standing so close together. “No! No one is going to get breakfast with anyone as long as I am here! And actually, if anyone’s gonna get my baby brother ‘some breakfast’ it’s gonna be his third eldest brother, not some _slut_ who’s just had a tramp run out on him shouting ‘Bastard!’ and who was just moments ago working up to put his sleazy paws on my little sister! So back off, Winchester! I said, back off, you miserable worm – !”

Sam watched Gabriel fruitlessly try to shove himself between Dean and Cas. Dean, without looking away from his apparently newfound ‘love’, simply grabbed Gabriel’s entire face in one oversized palm and pushed him firmly aside. Yup, Sam shook his head. Nobody was going to come between Dean and what he wanted. Sam had learned that lesson early on.

“Mr. Novak?” Sam called to the (by turns) blustering, flailing, and despairing little man. “Gabriel? I think it’s best if we just leave them be for the time being. Lov- uh, _smitten_ at first sight and all that.”

“But – but – he’s my _baby brother_,” moaned Gabriel helplessly. “And Dean’s a – a – womanizer! A _manwhore_! Isn’t he _straight_? He _looked_ straight! He _acted_ straight! What the hell kind of insanity is going _on_ here, Sammooch? Why is your hitherto-compulsively-and-repulsively-heteronormative brother making cow-eyes at my I-don’t-know-what-his-deal-is brother?”

“Beats me, man.”

“ ‘Beats me, man’? ‘Beats me, man’? You know who’s gonna beat you, mooseman, and your douchebag brother? _My_ brother! Michael. He’ll eat you alive. Not to mention, Lucifer! He’ll wipe out what remains of your remains after Michael’s done with you. Does that seem like a future you want to see become reality, heh, moosa-koosha?”

“I – I honestly have no idea, Gabriel. Really. Either it’s a... fluke? I guess, you’d call it? Or...”

“Or?” Gabriel prompted intensely, eyes wild. “_Or_?”

“Or... it’s _genuine_,” mumbled Sam faintly, somewhat puzzled and a lot disturbed. This was not the direction he had expected his morning to take. “It seems to me that they’ve really hit it off. I mean, look at them.”

“No, thank you, Samantha,” Gabriel snapped. “I swear to all my gods, real _and_ virtual, if this is some sick, twisted ploy of your brother to get one over me, I’ll – ”

“Whoa, whoa! I know Dean’s a dick, man, but he’s not _that_ kind of a dick. I’m sorry, but it looks like he’s really into your brother. We’re just gonna have to... deal with it.”

“How are you so calm about this?!”

“Because a full blown _panic attack_ is not gonna help in this situation.”

“We’ve got to do _something_, Winchester comma Sam!”

“Okay, first of all, clarify one thing for me: are you actually upset? If so, why the calling me weird names? ’Cause the names are kind of throwing me off.”

“I’m actually upset _and_ I’m feeling kind of impish!”

“Oh. Good to know. Continue.”

“We’ve gotta do something about this catastrophe before your brother hurts my brother.”

“They’ve literally, like, just met.”

“And yet, Romeo and Juliet are both rolling in their fictional graves, mad with jealousy.”

Sam frowned. “Okay, that one went right over my head.”

“It’s – I mean, the – the soulful staring thing, you know? Romeo and Juliet were known for being the classic Romantic Starers. Now they’ve been dethroned by a whore and a virgin!”

“Eh, far too belaboured for a metaphor.”

“Your puny _ass_ is belaboured!”

“What can we do? Nothing. I mean, Dean will really punch your teeth in if you keep annoying him. And I – like, I’m – See, I know he’s kind of my protective older brother and I’m his kid brother and all that nonsense, and there’s really no reason for me to be afraid of him or anything; but, like, in all honesty, sometimes, I kid you not, Gabriel, Dean _terrifies_ me. More than my dad ever did. And that’s saying something.”

But it was also the wrong thing to say because Gabriel paled.

“And that – _that_’s the kind of man you’re asking me to leave my brother alone with? Have you lost your mind?”

“Okay, look, Gabriel,” began Sam pacifically. “I can foresee two outcomes of this... um, event, if you will. Dean and Cas probably date, realise they are too different, that they’ve nothing in common, and then they part ways as good friends. Uh, happy ever after. Or whatever.”

“And in the second outcome: your brother seduces my brother, corrupts his innocence, makes him fall in love with him, has his fill, and then breaks his heart to chase a different tail. To wit: ramifications of this second outcome: Cas becomes depressed, my older brothers become furious, they murder Dean, they torture and then murder me, and make you, the ancillary witness, watch everything in live action. How about that, moosemania?”

“Are your brothers like the mafia or something? You’re painting a very murder-happy crazy-crazy kill-you-kill-you picture of them.”

“Oh, they’re the best that humanity has to offer, you see – except when it comes to Cas!”

“And by the looks of it, Dean’s the same. Which brings us to the least desirable but probably most probable third outcome: our brothers date, fall in love, keep falling in love, marry, and then do that for the remainder of their lives. Nobody breaks anybody’s heart. Nobody becomes depressed. Nobody gets murdered. Case closed.”

“Hmmn. Why did you say this was the least desirable outcome of the three, coldsnout?”

“Uh, if Dean and Cas marry each other, then I’ll be related to you maniacs – by _law_.”

“Oh, Samoose. You really are a pretty little princess, aren’t you?”

“So are we in agreement that we’d just sit back and watch things fall into place as they will?”

“What else is there to do?” Gabriel sighed heavily, then shot an annoyed glance at Dean’s nude back. “Yo, lovebirds, if you wanna make it to that breakfast you were blubbering about, get your asses in gear and _move_. Chop, chop, slowpokes!”

Dean leaned away from Cas with the contented ease of a lion, before leaning in again, as though he couldn’t help himself. “Give me fifteen minutes? I’ll go shower and change, and then I’ll be right with you.”

“Okay,” said Cas with a smile.

“Cool,” said Dean, returning his smile and adding another million watts to it. “Awesome.”

And then neither moved.

“Urgh,” groaned Gabriel in disgust.

_Urgh_ was right, thought Sam somewhat wistfully, watching his brother's mating dance. He knew, he just _knew_ in his bones that this revoltingly syrupy behaviour – viz., getting lost into each other for extended periods of time with no care for anything or anyone around you – was going to become typical of Dean and Cas’s relationship. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> i may add more to this ' 'verse ' in the future, so if you have any suggestions please let me know


End file.
